Wednesday, August 24, 2005


Tuesday, August 23, 2005

An Investigation into the Effects of Masterbation on the Muscle Cell Density of a Male Homo Sapien

The following photograph shows the results of an experiment undertaken on 'X' by 'Professor Y'. Medical research was carried out to investigate the effects of masterbation on both muscle size and proportion. (Some guy over at posted this picture after someone suggested that wanking was a good way of building muscle.)

Specimen, Pornographic Material, Television Screen, Stopwatch, Respirometer, Ruler, Calligraphy Pen, Rubber Gloves.

The specimen was led into the laboratory The television screen was turned on. The respirometer was attached to the specimen to monitor breathing levels during the experiment. The stopwatch was started. The specimen commenced self gratification. The specimen was left to masterbate for around ten minutes. Over a period of eighteen months, the experiment was repeated on a daily basis.

In order to keep the test as fair as possible the had been blindfolded prior to entering the room in order to prevent premature arousal. The time for masturbation was kept as a constant factor. The factor which was varied was the producer of pornography varying from "Devon Does Dallas" to "Lesbian Babes 23". This avoided possible bordom on the specimen's part after frequent repeat performances of material. This had the potential to affect results

The results as you can see are quite remarkable; a rapid growth of the forearm muscles as well as the bicep, tricep and brachiallis muscles in the right arm. The neglected left arm shows negligible development.

The results highlight the unseen dangers of masturbation, that the government has failed to inform its citizens of. Specimen 'X' has had to endure endless mocking due to his disproportionate frame. I believe it is duty of our democratically elected government to warn its population about the risks of havin' a crafty bish...
The experiment did incur several grounds for error; one of the major issues is penis size, high levels of girth would enforce a wider grip on the fallice therefore increasing the size of the forearm muscle. Masterbation rate and style would also give erroneous results; specimens with faster rates increase the aerobic respiration rate of the specimen, whereas a specimen with a slower rate would increase the amount of anaerobic respiration taking place in the forearm muscles, therefore increasing the workout and size of the tonic muscles in the forarm.

In order to improve results a wider variety of pornography would be shown to specimens as well as increasing the amount of specimens involved in the investigation. Another train of thought is to investigate the effects of masturbation on the muscle cell density of a female homo sapien. (Early predictions for such an experiment would produce increased size of the dorsal interosseos and flexor digi muscles located in the hands and along the fingers) Further investigations therefore would lead to a more decisive conclusion.

R.J.W.P.T. 2005 (Professor)

Give generously
+44 (0)121 FUCKING DO ONE

Meeeelaaan, Meeeelaaan, Meeeelaaan...

Aston Villa unveiled new striker Milan Baros at a press conference at Villa Park today. The transfer cost Villa £6.5million with an extra £500,000 after 50 league appearances. I for one am happy with the signing; we need more fire-power in the team. HOWEVER, what Villa need more than strikers in defenders. Martin Laursen is probably out for the rest of the season, leaving Villa with little or no cover (I personally don't rate Liam Ridgewell). We need to get another player, more defensively minded to bolster our whafer thin squad.


Three-piece Muse hail from the blinding lights of Devon, The trio consists of Matt Bellamy (centre) (guitar, piano, vocals) Chris Wolstenholme (right) (bass) and Dominic Howard (left) (drums). They have four albums; Showbiz (1999), Origins of Symmetry (2001), Hullabaloo (2002), Absolution (2003)

The early incarnations of Muse saw the group playing to teenagers as the group "Rocket Baby Dolls" in the mid 1990s winning critical acclaim. Under the guise of Muse they released a self-titled EP in 1998. The second EP "Muscle Museum" gave the band their much-deserved breakthrough.

Muse have a very distinctive sound; the type of sound instantly recognisable upon cranking up a radio. This it is due to the frequent use of vibrato by lead singer Matt. But this is what I love about this group; they don't sound mainstream or like any other act. Suggestions for “Muse’s Muse” include grunge heroes "Nirvana" and the eclectic "Radiohead". I personally can see more of a Radiohead link especially after listening to tracks off their album "OK Computer" (Think Paranoid Android) and the eerie sound of "Everything in its Right Place" from "Kid A". Anyways, I digress, back to Muse.

Originality is one thing that Muse have in abundance. Take the band’s instruments; all custom by Devonshire guitar maker Manson. Matt Bellamy’s infamous “Mattocaster” is a guitar like no other, including equipment such as high quality pickups, a trem and a magnetic strip, all of which help produce the band’s distinctive sound. A guitar us regular players can only dream of.

Muse's debut album Showbiz has a cult following, especially in France where the group became extremely popular (possibly more popular than in the UK). The most memorable track of this album is easily "Sunburn" (even my old Geography teacher is a big fan of this record). It combines a bombastic array of arpeggios with a fantastic use of tremolo picking during the chorus.

It was in 2001 that Muse really hit the big time. The release of "Origins of Symmetry" got spectacular reviews (spectacular in that they ranged from 10/10 to 1/10!) One of Matt's influences is classical pianist Sergei Rachmaninoff; this is most marked on a personal favourite on the album; "Bliss". With tracks such as "Plug in Baby" (easily their most famous record), New Born and a distinctive cover of Nina Samone's "Feeling Good", its no wonder that many Muse fans (myself included) regard this as their strongest album out of the four. However, a dispute with their record company meant that this musical masterpiece has not released in America. A loss for all the Yanks I suppose.

Muse released "Hullabaloo" in 2002. It contains a mix of B Sides and other rare material. The album is a double disc, the latter providing listeners to sample the true forte of the band; their live performances. A performance from the Zenith in Paris

2003 was the year when Muse’s fame reached its current pinnacle, with the release of their third studio album “Absolution”. The general theme of this album is the apocalypse; one NME journalist referred to Absolution as “the soundtrack to the end of the world”. The first single released from the album “Time is Running Out” is Muse’s biggest hit to date, reaching #7 in the “UK Singles Chart” in September 2003. Other standout tracks include the fantastic rock anthem “Hysteria” and “Stockholm Syndrome”; both of which are considered to be Muse classics.

Muse’s reputation as a fantastic live act was cemented by their biggest gig thus far; headlining the “Pyramid Stage” with a vintage performance at Glastonbury in 2004. This euphoric performance bristled both power and raw emotion. It’s no surprise therefore that the group won the “Best Live Act” at the 2005 Brit Awards.

What next for Muse? It seems that conquering the "prog-rock" world simply isn’t enough for a band like Muse. Most recently they lent their support to the “Make Poverty History” campaign performing at “Live 8” in July 2005. The band are currently writing their fourth studio album, triggering the release of a plethora of rumoured titles including “cryptology”, "DES", "A Crying Shame" and also "Church Of The Sub Genius". Interviews with the lead singer suggest that this LP will have a much more upbeat theme than both “Origins of Symmetry” and “Absolution” drawing upon "things like optimism and hope". The album is due for release in April 2006. (ages away!) There is also talk of another live DVD called “Manic Depression” taken from the December 2004 performance at Earls Court, London, to sit alongside their “Hullabaloo” DVD from the Zenith, Paris.

Expect more bombastic performances, outrageous guitar riffs and more light displays you can shake a stick at, in the very near future. Watch this space.

Showbiz (1999)
Origins of Symmetry (2001)
Hullabaloo (2002)
Absolution (2003)

Hullabaloo (2002)

Links Official Site Fansite “Free trade” Website

Next month KASABIAN

SOUNDPOST: 000 Introduction

This is one of my favourite parts of blogging; writing about things I have a genuine interest for. One of my hobbies is playing music (I play both the piano and guitar - desperately need a new guitar tho!) I'm generally into any kind of music, but I'm not gonna lie, I'm really into my indie music at the music. Each month I'll post my views on bands I'm into.

Before I do tho' two things:

1) If you're in and around the West Midlands area be sure to check out Kerrang! Radio. Love it. Birmingham's first dedicated rock station.

2) If you haven't purchased a hard drive based mp3 player and you're not sure what to buy, let me help you out. DON'T BUY AN IPOD. My mate Tiff bought one a few months ago; it physically broke within days, another friend of mine killed his battery due to frequent use. Iriver is a good player but lacks that cool factor. The Creative Zen players are excellent allowing for as much as 80G of songs; as are the Samsung models (the Samsung YH-920 plays literally anything: mp3, wma, wav, aiff, midi without the need for conversion into ATRAC or OGG) Without a shadow of a doubt, the best player available is the SONY NWHD-5. I got the 30G version as a birthday present and it is a fantastic player. Some of the features are immense e.g. it is able to store 17000 (!) tracks on the device due to its compression software. It has software to prevent destruction or loss of quality after trauma. It is the size of a credit card (seriously). It only cost me £23o; bargain. The only let down is the music software; SonicStage is poor compared to ITunes, however frequent music transfer allows the user to get used to it. However don't let this minor issue stop you from buying easily the best player on the market.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Tenerife August 2005

Whoa!! What a holiday! High octane stuff! Overall, I would say I was very impressed with Tenerife, however, I must say that I prefer Gran Canaria (absolutely legendary holiday in 2004; the Kasbah Centre RULES) , when it comes to the Canary Islands. There is a fair bit to do on the island and weather is beyond hot. I stayed in Puerto Santiago in the North of the island. Here are some of my personal highlights

1) The Girls. OMFG! The first thing I noticed when I step out of the airport was the females. I have been to many places all over the world including Spain (numerous times), Jamaica, Cuba, the USA and the two Canary Islands mentioned earlier, however, this was the first time ever that the fit girls dramatically outweighed the mingers. I've never seen anything like it. Apparently I should go to the Dominican Republic for even better results.

2) My mates. I met quite a few people on this holiday. We all met in the obligatory game of football at the hotel. Firstly there was Dave, who goes to Liverpool Uni; he's studying Computing (geek). Secondly there was Andy from Leighton Buzzard (MK as far as I'm concerned). Last but by no means least there was Nick from Saints. They got all the reps and stuff to sing Happy Birthday, which they didn't have to do, they'd only known me three days at the time. They were all good lads and they deserve a "shout out"

Andy, a bit sunburnt! (my sisters fancied him). Nearly got a holiday bird but then had to go home!

Dave. Tried to pull my sister (failed miserably!!) Tried to steal Nick's girl and shagged a girl called Daniela. Bear in mind that my German holiday bird Lisa and her friends refered to her as "The Olga". Make of that what you will. Lol.

Nick, his catchphrase esp. for Dave was "Actual Prick" (Dave tried to get with Nick's holiday bird Jana, much comedy ensued)

3) My 18th Birthday. This took place on Saturday 6th August (put it in your diaries!) Much alcohol was consumed (free of course, keeping with tradition). Taught someone (you know who you are) how to throw-up pursposefully. Met some birds; it was all good. Met some other girls, it was even better. All in all a good birthday.

4) Sven. Sven was one of the reps at the hotel. The reason why he stood out is because he was this stoner, Dutch, of course ;), you could NEVER tell the difference between when he was stoned and when he wasn't. Funny shit seriously. The culmination was when Sven and this Scottish squaddie (fought in Iraq too) started skinning up in Sven's room. If you're ever in Tenerife look out for him; he'll be the one who's "buzzin' off his tits"... (a phrase we taught him)

5) The Germans. Met these three German girls from Nuremberg. I must admit, they did sorta defy some stereotypes about German's (they were fit as fuck). I pulled this girl called Lisa. But (big but) they couldn't hold down a decent conversation in either English of German. Oh well at least I managed to find out that my GCSE German wasn't in vain (got me much further than my German Teacher said it would, who needs Law with German!). Tschuss Wiebke, Kadda und Lisa! You were fit as, and Lisa you were lovin' it on the beach...

6) Playa Las Americas. The place to be in Tenerife, loads of shit goin on. A definite if you make the trip to the island

7) Freebird catamaran trip. This was quality, we set sail into the Atlantic ocean and had a look at dolphins and whales. Although it makes me sound like a girl it was very good. Check it out if you're in Play Las Americas

8) Italian Kevs/Chavs. They most certainly exist. One evening some Italian kevs wearing only the finest Dolce and Gebanna started on one of my sisters after she wouldn't pull one of them. One of them called her a "bitch" and it all got a bit silly. One of "il chavvos" broke a bottle threatening to use it against us. However, he broke it the wrong way, i.e. broke the bottle neck off and held the main body (twat!!!). I diffused the situation and got away as I didn't want them to get hurt by one of these knobheads (Plus I didn't want to get arrested for being in a fight; did you know that the police had beat the shit out of you if they think you've been drinking and you give them any lip. Fuck that.

9) Tenerifian Timekeeping. On the last day, I was due to board the coach to Tenerife South Airport at 10:10 with a flight at 1:10. Bearing in mind that the journey from the airport took about an hour, I believed that there would be ample time for my family and I to get to the airport and check-in without rushing.
HOW WRONG WAS I! The coach came at 9:45 and left without us! Thinking that it must have been and earlier bus for an earlier flight we waited in the lobby... half an hour passed... an hour passed. Worry started to set in. (My mom had work the following day (wounded) and I had results on the Thursday). There were no other flights to BHX until the following Sunday. At around 11.30, the bus came. It turns out it was the same fucking bus as earlier. On board the coach there were dozens of fuming passengers; it wasn't pretty. We went all over the island to pick up the passengers who the driver had forgot to pick up; most of them had been forced to take taxis to avoid missing flights. I got to the airport at 12.35 and checked in by the narrowist of margins... phew

Moral of the story, don't book a holiday with Thompsons, they recieved a lot of complaints on that day. Not surprising either.

Anyway, I'm definitely not going to let something like that spoil what was a very enjoyable (and eventful) holiday!


A Level Results AABB!!!

I got my A level results about four days back. I got an A in General Studies and an A in Geography. However, I was disappointed with the grade B I obtained in History; I had a fantastic performance in History at A2 especially in European History (better even than at AS) - it was my coursework that brought me down. Oh well... perhaps its swings and roundabouts 'cause how I got an B in Biology is anyones guess.

As a result, I managed to stealth my way into the Law School at the University of Birmingham.

Personally, I'm glad that a) I don't have to go to school again and b) that I never have to do A Levels ever, ever, ever again.

A Levels getting easier? Are they bollocks...

10 Things I love about Birmingham.

Birmingham is my home. I'm a BRUMMIE and proud to say it.
I have to stress this point as many people (particularly from London and Manchester) slag off my city. For all of you who have actually visited the city, you'd know that it is a vibrant and energetic city.

Here's why;

1) A proud history. Not many people realise Birmingham's importance in the Industrial Revolution which helped develop the economic prosperity which Britain is able to enjoy to this day. The Jewellery Quarter is one of the world's most famous jewellery manufacturing areas famously making "the ring" used in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

2) The architure in Birmingham is also world renowned; the Selfridges Building was voted by FHM as one of the 'coolest in the world' and other buildings especially around Birmingham University, Corporation Street and Victoria Square deserve a mention.

3) Our beautiful accents. Although people may mock people from "Biirrrmingum" on the way we speak, it defines our very distinctive culture. Famous brummie accents include those of Jasper Carrott, Frank Skinner and, of course Halifax Howard from the Halifax adverts. Personally, I think the Brummie accent is "Bostin".

4) Our culture. In very few cities in the UK is there such a diverse mix of people in such a small area of the world. People from the West Indies (my backgroud is Jamaican), Pakistan, India, China, the USA, Australia, France, Germany, Italy, Sweden; you name it and they are represented here in Birmingham. Surely this can only be or benefit for culture in the future; for example, Birmingham is well known for its Baltis (and with good reason believe you me!), as well as having a thriving Chinese Quarter. Despite what idiots such as Nick Griffin tell you, multiculturalism will... no... is working.

5) Retail Paradise. The city is the second most popular retail area outside London. The Bullring is the largest shopping centre in Europe. Whether its French Connection, Cult, Topman (or if you're a "durrrty kev" JD Sports and Sports World) The Bullring has it. Check it out. For your more upmarket clobber The Mailbox is the place to be. Bouncers outside shops, you'd think you're on Saville Row!

6) Aston Villa. No explanation needed. Come on you Villa Boys!

7) University of Birmingham. See you all next month!!!

8) Nightlife. Broad St, the Arcadian and the Custard Factory. Loads and loads and loads of clubs and bars. Personal favourites are Risa on Broad St; Arca Bar in the Arcadian and (of course) the Medicine Bar in the Custary Factory.

9) Brindleyplace. Home to reams and reams of bars built along Birmingham's canal network. Check it out.

10) StarCity. This place is fun. Although its in Nechells (near Aston) and is a bit of a way from the city centre, there's shit loads to do there. Cinema, Bowling, Shops, Bars, Restaurants. Nice

So have look. You never know, you might even like it here.

Q. Positive Tension: WHY???

Recently, people have been asking me why I decided to call my blog "Positive Tension". The answer my friends is simple; "Positive Tension" is a record by "Bloc Party" of their "Silent Alarm" long player (available in all good record stores) and I like their material; plus due to my love of indie music I get likened to Kele Okereke (despite looking nothing like him!)

Glad we've cleared that up.

Bloc Party's Silent Alarm album.
Tracks to download: Banquet, Helicopter, So Here We Are, She's Hearing Voices. Not here tho - look somewhere else, I'm not gettin my ass sued!
(yeah I know, no Positive Tension, ahh whatever...)

Hello and Welcome!!!

Hello and Welcome to "Positive Tension" a new blog created by me "Rich". This blog is primarily focused on anything and everything that enters my thoughts (whatever they may be) and will be updated frequently. So in the meantime, sit back and enjoy the rest of the summer!